Young and foolish

I made a fantastic find in an old shoebox at the back of my wardrobe. A book of wisdom, a real philosopher´s stone: my first notebook from 2006.

My notebooks are not just full of to-do-lists; they are revealing gateways to my mind and everyday life of a certain time. Traditionally my notebooks are red and that´s where the name of this godforsaken blog derives from, too. Nowadays, rather than writing an idea down to my notebook I write a complete blog entry! Notebook is the inside of my head which this blog tries to be aswell. Diary is differend because that´s more about badmouthing friends and analysing the actions of that special one - not about what you actually do in your life.

In my ancient red notebook there are random thoughts, plans for the next day or the entire future (it´s from the time I was in high school), recipe for Sangria, passwords, dinner plans, quotes... ”Oasis rules!” On one page there´s only a short expression of angst: ”Fuck.” I´ve always written down interesting books to be read aswell and in this one I can still find some titles that have remained mysteries.

Notebook is like a history book you understand by reading between the lines. Or what do you think a random sentence ”Become teetotal” means... One particular sentence caught my eye and made me chuckle at the 17-year-old me. ”Stop wasting time on stupid delusions about men.” Wow. How wise was I! Too bad I didn´t follow my very own advice...

It seems to me I´ve always liked making plans; even very straight-forward ones: ”Apply to a Finnish uni. Go to England.” OK, will do. I think it has to do with a feeling of security and control. To have plans, to have a direction. Things to do and not to do. Like that thing concerning men... Every non-religious person has to find their own way to look at the world and make their own rules. A notebook can become handy when observing the world, its goodies and baddies.

One things is clear and it´s kind of depressing: I´m still struggling with the same problems as five years ago. Dietary preferences, pursuing happiness, being obsessed with men, studies, work, money... But things have taken a differend, more intimidating, form. If I had smart thoughts already back then, shouldn´t I be like a genious by now? Or atleast a grown-up of some kind. I guess becoming a stable adult is a lot longer process I imagined...

I don´t think people can ever leave their youth behind. Maybe when you grow old you ponder about it even more. When you feel fucked up you look back at your younger years and wonder what went wrong. There will always be new ideas to be written down and new rules to be made. I know I´m still too young to write about Life but even the 17-year-old me didn´t mind:

”What more do you want from life? Isn´t it enough to be one with the universe?”

Oh, so I was a New Age kid!